Sunday, January 15, 2006
Mark Hinson, a Methodist writing for the Tallahassee Democrat, discovered devotion to St. Roch in a New Orleans cemetary in the 1990s, and has been fascinated with saints dedicated to specific causes ever since. After describing the New Orleans cemetary chapel dedicated to St. Roch, with it's evidence of afflictions healed; with tongue in cheek he proposes some new ones:
Still, there should be a new crew of saints drafted to cover the woes of the 21st century. They should be minor saints in charge of daily annoyances and contemporary problems. Here are a few examples:
St. Juicy the Obtuse: Patron saint of cheap eyewear. Buy a pair of $150 Ray-Bans and you'll lose them in one weekend. Yet, a $10 pair of sunglasses from the Circle K is impossible to discard, crush or misplace. Throw the cheapos in the chimp cage at the zoo, and the monkeys will toss 'em back unscratched. Thank St. Juicy.
St. Shirley the Surly: Patron saint of obnoxious phone callers. Ever wonder why people who yap on cell phones at the movies aren't more frequently subjected to public stonings? It's the work of Shirley.
St. Ignatz of Opp: Patron saint of parking tickets, overdue library books and paper cuts. Not one of your more attentive saints. Bit of a slacker, actually.
St. Elsewhere: Patron saint of checkout. St. E always makes sure if you change lines, the new one will move slower than the old one. It's just the way E. likes it.
St. Squeaky: Patron saint of karaoke and lousy rappers. Kevin Federline - aka as K-Fed or Mr. Britney Spears - should have a plastic statue of St. Squeaky on the dashboard of his Mercedes as he prepares to "drop" his first rap album this year. For a sample of his genius, visit www.kevinfederline.com.
St. Tiffany: Patron saint of uneven pavement and bad drivers. Someone has to look out for the clueless clod who's driving 45 mph in the fast lane with his left-turn signal on and a cell phone in his ear.
St. Roch the II: Patron saint of building stronger levees.
