Saturday, December 18, 2004
WHY SANTA STOPPED BEING PC
(With a tip of the hat to Bill Stebbins who gave me the idea.)
Just days before Christmas and Santa's a wreck
From trying too hard to be always correct.
His workers no longer content to be "Elves"
Are "vertically challenged" they're telling themselves.
The labor conditions up at the North Pole
Are claimed by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer are missing. Unknown is their fate
After animal lovers had opened their gate.
The EEOC has sent Santa a notice
To hire some horses to fill up his quotas,
But horses on rooftops make way too much noise
And tend to awaken the good girls and boys.
Mrs. Claus and the elves were all up in a tizzy,
And running in circles got all of them dizzy.
The female elves had switched to toy-making,
So all of the males had to handle the baking.
The smell of burnt cookies came out of the stoves,
And forgotten the yeast in the first batch of loaves.
He checked in the workshop. The sight was horrific.
None of the toys were made gender specific.
Dolls dressed in goth and flowers by the boxful,
And nothing but books to make all of the socks full.
The worst sight of all were the trucks by the sink
That had somehow been painted a bright shade of pink.
The toys weren't loaded, the sleigh wasn't washed.
The wrapping was sloppy. The bows had been squashed.
The runners were lacking their much needed wax,
And no one was willing to launder his packs.
With little time left till he had to depart,
With no sign of Rudolf, how could he start?
To calm himself Santa had lit up his pipe
When a chorus objection enlivened the night.
"The second-hand smoke," said the chorus of elves,
"Would hamper their breathing and soot up the shelves,
And the ash made a hole in Santa's new sweater.
The pipe had to go and the sooner the better."
He thought for a moment and gazed at the snow.
Decided correctness would just have to go.
"Attention!" he said as he gazed at his crew.
"From now on the ladies are making the stew.
Tomorrow the gents will handle toy-making,
While ladies will busy themselves with the baking."
"I've made up my mind. Don't try to persuade me
To change my assignments. Instead just obey me,
And then we will get this state of confusion
Returned to successful productive conclusion."
He spoke with conviction, intenseness, directness,
And that was the end of political correctness.
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And now that I've wasted the better part of the evening writing that, I'll say goodnight. Have a great weekend. I'll be around sporadically next week since company starts arriving tomorrow.
